The Time Travel Handbook Read online

  THE TOURNAMENT FIELD AND TREE OF HONOUR – YOU’LL BE SEATED ON THE LEFT.

  Things will be dry enough on THURSDAY 15TH for JOUSTING to recommence with both Henry and Francis putting in an appearance. HENRY’S JOUST WITH MARSHALL LESCYN is the sporting highlight of the day and a sartorial triumph, with his cloak decorated with lozenges and eglantine flowers of gold. The following day it will rain again and, though a few jousts will be held, neither kings nor queens, nor anyone very special, will show up. However, on SATURDAY 17TH the sun will return and a decent day’s jousting will commence. Both Henry and Francis will appear to be in particularly good fettle, breaking eighteen and fourteen lances respectively in their contest with a team led by the Earl of Devonshire.

  SUNDAY 18 JUNE: BACK TO THE BANQUET

  The camp will be thick with rumour and gossip today, as FRANCIS will be paying a surprise early morning visit to HENRY’S APARTMENTS, after which they will go to MASS together. Henry will then depart for Ardres and Francis will be relaxing in Queen Catherine’s apartment before DINNER. Again the dining hall will be divided during the meal, with men and women on different sides, but afterwards the tapestries will be cleared and the DANCING will begin, led this time by Francis himself. He will be entering the hall with ten companions in long, velvet-hooded gowns adorned with plumes.

  GO EASY ON THE ROAST SWAN TO AVOID THE FATE OF THE POOR UNFORTUNATE THROWING UP ON THE LEFT.

  MONDAY 19 AND TUESDAY 20 JUNE: LAST JOUSTS, COSTUMES AND THE TOURNEY

  The final days of the JOUST will be clear and dry. On the Monday the two kings will be present and will conduct an elaborate exchange of horses and gifts. On Tuesday they will return to the tilts.

  Do try and look out for KING FRANCIS’S CLOTHING, which, on the days he jousts, have been designed to signal through a variety of symbols – brooches and embroidery – carefully calibrated chivalric phrases. Members of the French court will be on hand to help decode these, so feel free to ask. Tuesday’s motto, for example, is ‘Heart fastened in pain endless/when she/delivereth me not of bonds.’

  Tuesday will also be the day of the TOURNEY in which combatants fight on horseback and in pairs, but in open space rather than across a barrier. Weapons include blunted swords, staves and clubs but much of the skill and excitement is in the quality of the HORSEMANSHIP as riders attempt tight turns and precise moments of ACCELERATION to ensure their blows have maximum force. The very best competitors will time their runs and blows in front of the Queen’s pavilion.

  WEDNESDAY 21 AND THURSDAY 22 JUNE: COMBAT ON FOOT

  The FOOT COMBAT of these two days involves individual bouts fought across a central wooden barrier – thus preventing grappling and wrestling and keeping the emphasis on weapon skills. Combatants will use short swords, spears and pikes. It is particularly worth noting the quality of HENRY’S ARMOUR. Although unable to use his most modern and sophisticated armour, after lengthy and complex negotiations with the French Henry is able to wear a suit that displays many technical innovations of the royal armoury. Francis has insisted on the use of closed visors and the tonlet – a protective skirt of metal plates. To this Henry will have added cuisses – laminated steel breeches – and lames, which are the articulated steel plates bound to leather strips that provide unrivalled protection and freedom of movement at the joints.

  FRIDAY 23 JUNE: MASS AT THE TILTYARD

  Overnight, a huge workforce has been working furiously to repair the TILTYARD and build a vast public stage over it. On this they will have built a large chapel richly furnished with tapestries and bejewelled crucifixes (you may recognise them from the Royal Chapel back at the English camp). Amazingly the task will have been accomplished. You will find the CHAPEL positioned between the Queen’s pavilion and the general viewing galleries.

  MASS will begin at noon with Cardinal Wolsey leading proceedings, Note the relative height of the various clerics on the platform: Wolsey is positioned just above Cardinal de Boisy; both are higher than France’s other cardinals, while the bishops of both nations are lower still. Music and singing come from the ROYAL CHOIRS of both nations and the organ from Henry’s chapel. The French organist PIERRE MOUTON, accompanied by voice, sack-buts and coronets will play a particularly good rendition of the liturgical prayer Kyrie.

  Look out for CARDINAL BOURBON, who will take the gospel to both Kings and both Queens for them to kiss. Henry and Francis will also embrace with the PAX – a holy kiss – while the Queens join arms. Just prior to the Elevation of the Host, the point at which the wafers and wine become the body of Christ, be sure to look up. You will see a DRAGON appear in the sky. As one contemporary would later report, ‘Lo! Flying in great loops, a slender and hollow monster stretched out in the sky.’ While later paintings will depict a great fire spitting beast, you will see that this is a large, if sturdy and highly decorated, FRENCH KITE. Cardinal Wolsey’s face, upstaged by this event, is worth your consideration.

  SATURDAY 24 JUNE: THE LAST SUPPER

  Once again the two Kings will EXCHANGE CAMPS AND PALACES for a final FAREWELL BANQUET. On this occasion both will have dressed in their MASQUE OUTFITS before the meal. If you are alert you may be able to see Henry ride out dressed as Hercules in a woven gold lion’s pelt carrying a great wooden club wrapped in green damask. His company are dressed as mixture of HEBREW KINGS and Christian warriors like KING ARTHUR and CHARLEMAGNE. Tonight’s feast will be concluding with the presentation of jewels, gems and other prizes to the winners of the tournament. Drink up, but do return to the Fortescue pavilion for your DEPARTURE.

  The Great Exhibition

  1 MAY–11 OCTOBER 1851 LONDON

  THE GREAT EXHIBITION OF THE WORKS OF Industry of All Nations – to give it its full title – was a vast celebration of the wonders of human ingenuity, held in London in the summer of 1851. Housed in the biggest greenhouse in history, it featured over 100,000 exhibits and attracted 6,039,195 visitors – equivalent to two-sevenths of the population of Britain at the time. Attendances on most days hovered around the 50,000 mark. Despite the global scope of the event, around half the exhibits were from the host nation or its Empire, giving the show a pronounced flavour of Britain v The Rest of the World. As Britain was approaching the zenith of her power – in 1851 she produced half the world’s iron, more than half its cotton cloth and the lion’s share of its revenue – it was no great surprise that she came out rather well. The host nation also had the distinct advantage of organising the show.

  Accustomed as we are to global trade fairs and expos, it would be easy to overlook the staggering novelty of the Great Exhibition. Never before had so many nations come together in one place, except to some extent on the battlefield. And never – at least in Britain – had the classes intermingled so freely. The authorities, still haunted by the spectre of the French Revolution, not to mention the wave of populist uprisings that had swept through continental Europe in 1848, had been terribly anxious in advance about what might happen when the barriers of social segregation were lifted. In the event, everyone rubbed along together very nicely, with dukes and yokels equally transfixed by the items on show, and by each other.

  ENLARGED FOLD-OUT FLOORPLANS OF THE EXHIBITION WILL BE PROVIDED TO TRAVELLERS.

  As far as the exhibits themselves are concerned, the time traveller cannot really lose. They are either remarkable in themselves or it is fascinating to observe how fascinating your fellow visitors find them. Many items that are unremarkable to twenty-first century eyes make the Victorians gaga with excitement. So erase any lingering painful memories of the Millennium Dome from your mind and visit the exhibition that really will change the world.

  NOTE: this is a two-day trip that can be taken at any point during the Exhibition: see ‘Tickets’ for further information.

  BRIEFING: INVENTING THE EXHIBITION

  THE GREAT EXHIBITION owes its existence to two men: HENRY COLE, the co-inventor of the postage stamp, and Francis Albert Charles Augustus Emmanuel Saxe-Coburg Gotha, aka PRINCE ALBERT.
Prior to his involvement in the project, Albert had been suffering acutely from what might be described as Prince Charles Syndrome: an urgent need to define a role for himself beyond accompanying the Queen on official functions. Through the Great Exhibition, he seems to have nailed the problem, and largely silenced the London smarties who have hitherto looked on him as an insufferably pushy and puritanical German arriviste.

  In 1843, the Prince became President of the SOCIETY OF ARTS, an organisation which promoted useful inventions. Two years later, this august body held a small exhibition behind its headquarters near the Strand. One of the prize-winners was Felix Summerly, aka Henry Cole, for the design of an admirable tea set. Cole subsequently joined the Society and in 1848 approached Albert with a proposal for a national exhibition to be held three years later.

  The Prince hummed and hawed a bit. Meanwhile, Cole travelled to Paris for the 1849 iteration of an exhibition the city had hosted every few years for half a century. While there, he learned that the French had been seriously thinking of opening up their show to international exhibitors. The idea had been rejected but it got Cole thinking. An international show in London would act as a major stimulus to trade. Other nations would inevitably want to exhibit, partly out of competitive spirit, partly from fear of missing out. Yet Britain was guaranteed to be the focus of attention. What wasn’t to like?

  When Cole went back to the Prince Consort with his proposal for an international show, Albert was immediately sold. Thereafter, things moved quickly. It was decided that the Exhibition should be financed by subscription rather than by Parliament, and in January 1850 the Queen appointed a Royal Commission to turn the dream into reality.

  On 21 March, a sumptuous banquet was held in the Egyptian Hall at Mansion House in the City of London to spread the word and drum up support for the project. It was attended by almost 200 provincial mayors, foreign ambassadors, politicians and military top brass. At the end of dinner, Prince Albert addressed the assembled great and good with the following words:

  ‘Gentlemen, the Exhibition of 1851 is to give us a true test of the point of development at which the whole of mankind has arrived in this great task, and a new starting point from which all nations will be able to direct their further exertions.’

  What you are about to see is a vindication of these portentous words.

  THE TRIP

  The VENUE for the Great Exhibition occupies around eighteen acres of HYDE PARK, towards its southern edge. Not coincidentally, this is where the Albert Memorial will be erected twenty-one years hence, with the eponymous Prince holding a copy of the exhibition catalogue.

  The choice of site has not gone down well in some circles. The upper-class residents of Kensington, terrified by the prospect of the lower orders descending on their patch, threatened to go on strike at one stage. This would have taken the form of them decamping to the country and cancelling ‘the Season’ (the round of balls held in May and June each year). In the end, however, most of the toffs seem to have hung around. Even if they hadn’t, local businesses would have been cleaning up as a result of the extra trade. One notable beneficiary is a certain CHARLES HARROD. You might want to pick up some picnic materials at his grocery store in Knightsbridge, a village a few hundred yards south of the Park. In a few years he will be expanding it rather dramatically.

  THE CRYSTAL PALACE, SHOWING THE SOUTH ENTRANCE. THINGS MAY BE A LITTLE BUSIER THAN THIS POSTCARD SUGGESTS.

  THE CRYSTAL PALACE

  The Royal Commission originally invited architects to tender designs for the proposed Exhibition but none of the 245 submissions was deemed sufficiently compelling. Instead, the Commission came up with a plan of its own, largely the work of ISAMBARD KINGDOM BRUNEL. On 22 June 1850, a drawing of the proposed edifice appeared in the Illustrated London News, to almost universal dismay. For one thing, it was unremittingly dull. For another, it was made of brick, and to produce the requisite 19 million bricks, every kiln in Britain would have to dedicate several months to the project to the exclusion of all else. It seemed unlikely the building would be finished on time.

  At this worrying juncture, a saviour appeared in the form of the Duke of Devonshire’s head gardener. JOSEPH PAXTON’s previous project had been constructing a large greenhouse at Chatsworth dedicated to the Victoria regia lily, based on a prefabricated iron frame. He reasoned that the same cutting-edge technology could be used to build the gigantic structure required for the Great Exhibition, and in double quick time. Paxton was duly awarded the gig.

  Although the critic John Ruskin has bitchily likened Paxton’s handiwork to a cucumber frame, it is at least as impressive as anything it contains. The CRYSTAL PALACE is like a cross between a medieval cathedral and a railway terminus. It is shaped like an elongated crucifix, nearly a third of a mile long and 408 feet wide. 330 enormous iron pillars, hundreds of smaller ones and more than 300,000 panes of glass have been used in its construction.

  SOME PRACTICAL ISSUES

  The Company has reserved ROOMS in MIVART’S HOTEL in Brook Street (soon to be purchased by Mr and Mrs Claridge). A dinner and bed-and-breakfast package is a surprisingly reasonable 15s (about £165 in today’s money). However, if you would prefer a more communal experience, we can offer beds at THOMAS HARRISON’S FURNITURE DEPOSITORY on Ranelagh Road in Pimlico; this has been converted into a hostel with 1,000 dormitory beds for the duration of the Exhibition. Renamed ‘The Mechanics Home’, it features dining and smoking rooms, good washing facilities and a doctor. All for 1s 3d a night.

  We can arrange for you to be SET down at your London accommodation or, if you prefer, elsewhere in England, so you can travel to London by STEAM TRAIN. Your fellow passengers will be as thrilled as you just to be experiencing this novel form of transport, while their wild speculations about what they will be encountering in the capital will infect you with excitement. Once in London, transportation should be no problem, but beware of profiteering by local omnibus and cab drivers. If it rains, they will bump up their prices and not back down.

  TICKETS

  Your experience of the Great Exhibition will vary according to the stage of its run at which you visit. Tickets are more expensive for the early weeks, so if you come then you’ll have more elbow room and perhaps see more celebrities. But you will miss the chance to mingle with the ‘great unwashed’, which will be a pity, as observing ordinary if rather gobsmacked Victorians in action is a fascinating sight in itself. On the celebrity front, you stand a reasonable chance of seeing QUEEN VICTORIA moseying about the place. She can’t get enough of the Exhibition and will pay around thirty visits before heading for Balmoral in July. You’ll need to arrive early, though, as her policy is to pitch up a couple of hours before opening time, lingering long enough to coincide with some of her subjects. Hint: she’s the short dumpy chinless lady wearing a crown. You may also run into CHARLES DICKENS, CHARLES DARWIN, GEORGE ELIOT, LEWIS CARROLL, EMILY BRONTË or ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON.

  The cost of tickets varies enormously. A SEASON TICKET is 3 guineas for men and 2 guineas for women (£346/£231 in equivalent modern prices). Purchasing one may seem unnecessary but it will allow you to attend the OPENING CEREMONY. The entrance charge on the second and third days is £1, falling to 5s for the next 18 days. Thereafter, the price is 1s from Monday to Thursday, 2s 6d on Fridays and 5s on Saturdays.

  WHAT TO WEAR

  The company offers a choice of costume, dependent on what class you wish to represent yourself as belonging to. For MEN, a top hat and a cane are de rigueur if you want to come across as reasonably posh, and some kind of headgear is essential whatever your social aspirations. The elaborate facial hair associated with the Victorian era has yet to become popular, and if you arrive with a beard or mutton chop whiskers, you will be presumed to be French. For women, flounced crinoline skirts are all the rage, but at this stage the underlying garments are made with linen stiffened with horsehair, rather than the hoops or cages which will be introduced in a few years’ time. Pretty much all wome
n of all classes wear bonnets.

  WHAT TO EAT

  Food on offer inside the palace is dismal. The two REFRESHMENT COURTS will sell you a plate of ham or a pork pie for 6d, with bread and butter 2d extra. Schweppes soda water (the ‘official beverage’ of the event) comes in at 6d a glass, while a small ice cream is 6d and a large one 1s. These are very high prices for the era and there have been numerous complaints about unwashed waitresses. Our advice is to bring a PICNIC. This will also allow you to beat the alcohol ban. Mivarts Hotel can arrange a packed lunch, or, as noted, you could visit CHARLES HARROD’S GROCERY SHOP on Knightsbridge.

  Alternatively, those in the know make the brief stroll to THE SYMPOSIUM OF ALL NATIONS, an upmarket 1,500-seater pop-up restaurant situated where the Royal Albert Hall now stands. The proprietor is a Frenchman named Alexis Soyer, Britain’s first ever celebrity chef. Prior to this venture, he displayed his philanthropic side by opening soup kitchens in Ireland during the potato famine. A slap-up Franco-English meal will cost you between 2s–10s (£22–£110).

  EMERGENCIES

  While you should always be aware of the presence of PICKPOCKETS – this is Fagin’s London, after all – you should be pretty safe within the Palace. As a result of the ruling class’s largely unfounded fears, the place is crawling with policemen, undercover and otherwise. There is a police-operated LOST CHILDREN AND PROPERTY desk near the crystal fountain.

  If your emergency is in the bowel department, you can, for the first time in history, avail yourself of a PAY TOILET, courtesy of the pioneering sanitary engineer George Jennings. This will cost you 1d. If your needs are purely liquid, men can use the urinals for free, but women will have no option but to ‘spend a penny’.